What to Do When Your Ex Reaches Back Out, According to a Relationship Expert - VICE
We’re currently in the midst of Mercury retrograde and cuffing season…‘Tis the season of the exes. Here’s why so many exes circle back into our lives—and how to either start fresh or cut them off for good.
Exes return for a variety of reasons, from seeking comfort to merely missing the love you once gave them. However, this can also be a result of your behavior. For example, do you leave the door open to communication and possible reconnection? Did you refuse to go no-contact during your breakup? Are you keeping your exes around as “friends” without maintaining boundaries?
“Continued contact can maintain the emotional connection, while messages or reunions can temporarily alleviate feelings of loneliness or uncertainty,” says Stephanie Lewis, MSW, LCSW, LICSW, CCTP, C-DBT, the VP of Clinical Operations of Epiphany Wellness. “Social media and streaming accounts can serve up painful reminders of relationships that have ended.”
Unfortunately, it’s easy to get swept away by an ex, especially when we’re feeling lonely or vulnerable. Before considering reconciling with them, first pause and reflect on your feelings.
“Do you just want somebody to chat to or a familiar face to comfort you?” Lewis asks. “Do you truly miss them and want to be together? The truth though, is that the attachment you have with your ex may not be healthy at all.”
Be completely honest with yourself when asking these questions. Otherwise, you might end up repeating the same patterns with the same person, ultimately wasting more of your precious time.
If you do feel miss your ex and have spent some time healing and growing since the breakup (and vice versa), then you might re-open that door with some confidence.
“Many couples who give the relationship another chance may find themselves facing the same problems again,” Lewis says. “Instead, reconciliation depends on mutually trustworthy behavior to help restore trust. Promises alone may not be enough without consistent changes in behavior. Sometimes the healthiest thing for two people is distance.”
Sometimes, it takes an ex reaching out and setting us back even further in our healing to finally learn our lesson and let them go. If you’re ready to break your attachment to your ex, it’s important to put some physical and emotional space between you two.
“Creating a period of separation can provide an opportunity to disengage from repeated prompts to return,” says Lewis. “Grief can feel overwhelming and never-ending at times, but several approaches can help you ease its impact and move on to happier days. For instance, if blocking your ex on social media doesn’t feel possible right now, consider muting or restricting them or their friends (depending on the platform you use most) or deactivating your own social media temporarily.”
During this time, it’s important to channel all the energy back into yourself. In the moments when you find yourself missing your ex or craving their attention, focus on your own wellness, passions, or self-care.
“Then, schedule chunks of time throughout your week for all the things that are important,” Lewis says. “Schedule time for yourself, doing something you love doing by yourself.”
