The ‘Granny Panties Theory’ Says This Is What True Love Actually Looks Like - VICE

If you’ve ever been in love—I mean really, truly in love, not just infatuated with someone you find attractive—you’ll know that it runs deeper than the physical chemistry. 

In a relationship, there will be days when you’re not feeling well, or your partner isn’t in the best headspace. Together, you’ll encounter moments of grief, anxiety, and even doubt. It’s through these phases that you get a glimpse of your partner’s true colors and genuine feelings for you.

If someone is only around for the “pretty” and “flattering” parts of your life (celebrations, glamorous date nights, etc.), it’s difficult to tell whether their love is real. Are they there when shit hits the fan? When you’re exhausted after a long day of work? When you’re bedridden with an illness and sleeping in the same pajamas for a few days straight? When you’re so beyond stressed that you’re not in the mood to be intimate?

According to the internet, there’s a theory that outlines the realities of love and romance, which isn’t always rainbows and butterflies. In fact, sometimes, it’s granny panties—hence, the “granny panties theory.” 

The granny panties theory was coined by YourTango writer Kay Dee’s “cranky, chain-smoking, existentially confused Uncle Larry,” who told a story about his late wife and her “big ol’ granny panties” sticking out of her dress while in full glam. He mentioned how, rather than getting embarrassed or feeling ashamed of her man seeing her in such a vulnerable state, she made a joke out of it—and they both ended up laughing the evening away.

As Kay Dee’s Uncle Larry says, per the YourTango article: “When you’re with someone, you gotta laugh. At yourself, at them, at the ridiculous circus of life! You can’t be getting all bent outta shape every time little things go wrong. You mess up? So what? Make a joke about it! Your partner screws up? Give ’em a hard time, but in that loving ribbing kinda way, y’know?”

This is the heart of the granny panties theory. The concept sheds light on the unflattering parts of ourselves and our lives, especially in the context of a romantic relationship. It claims that true love will walk with you through every season, no matter how “ugly” it might look. In other words, you don’t need to wear a facade or always look, act, and feel your best around someone who genuinely loves you. It’s safe to be entirely yourself—entirely human. In fact, it’s more fun that way.

“The ‘granny panties theory’ suggests that real love is about feeling comfortable enough to allow someone to see all sides of you or the things that we usually hide from someone when first dating. It may be embarrassing habits, for instance,” says Krista Walker, LCSW, J.D., Clinical Director at The Ohana Addiction Treatment Center. 

“It’s normal to present our best side when first dating,” Walker adds. “As we get more comfortable with the person, it becomes easier to put your guard down and show up as your true self.”

This dating/love theory reminds us of the true meaning of love and connection. Rather than focusing on the more surface-level aspects of a relationship like attraction and physical chemistry.

“This theory works in relationships because vulnerability is important as the relationship deepens,” Walker adds. “When we are vulnerable in relationships, it increases bonding and closeness.”

In long-term relationships, partners will inevitably see the “ugly” sides of life together: the sick days when you can’t get out of bed to shower, the grief-stricken moments when a loved one suddenly passes away, the panic attacks, financial struggles, and doubt spirals. You know, the moments aren’t “pretty.” 

Life isn’t always full-glam and lace lingerie. Sometimes, it’s granny panties and pimple patches. True love will see, appreciate, and stick around for both sides of the coin—while having fun in the process.