Opinion | My teenage daughter tells me everything about her relationship — more than I’d like. Is that normal? Ask Lisi - Toronto Star

And Lisi advises a reader whose relative failed to give a wedding gift.

Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send her relationship questions via email: lisi@thestar.ca

Q Our daughter just got married. We had a beautiful day of celebration, food, drink, music and fun-filled memories that will last a lifetime. All the guests brought gifts, which I believe is customary in our society, and in our culture that gift is traditionally in the form of cash contained within a greeting card (some people issue a cheque and others use e-transfer which is totally fine).

However, one guest, a young lady from my side of the family, showed up with her boyfriend completely empty-handed. No gift, no card, no explanation … nothing. This young woman is in her mid to late 20s, lives with her boyfriend and both have full-time jobs. They pay rent, own two cars, have mobile phones etc.

I see no reason why these two couldn’t have offered even a small gift and greeting card to acknowledge the event, or at minimum call my daughter in advance if they are in financial distress and cannot afford a gift … which would have been perfectly fine, and they would have still been welcome to attend.

My daughter is letting this go but I am furious and I’m considering a phone call or text to this person asking for an explanation. Good idea or not?

A Not! Do not reach out to this person directly. You wrote that your daughter just got married. Traditional etiquette allows for guests to give gifts up to one year from the wedding date, though common practice shortens that to three months. Either way, there is still time for this young woman to send a gift.

If, after three months, you’re fairly certain no gift is coming your daughter’s way, you could reach out to the adult relative to whom this young woman belongs. But that depends on your relationship with the adult. Is it your first cousin with whom you’re very close? You could mention their daughter didn’t give a gift, and that though you don’t care or need the gift, you just thought your cousin might want to know. Perhaps the response will be, “Oh, she’s included in the family gift we gave your daughter.” That’s completely acceptable, from a gift-giving perspective, and perhaps you didn’t notice her name on the card or didn’t register that included her when they signed the card, The Jones’ Family.

Any other scenario and you need to let this go. However, do not hold a grudge and withhold a gift when her time comes. That just looks bad on you.

Q When I was young, my parents knew nothing of the comings and goings of my relationships. They didn’t know if my girlfriend and I broke up, unless one of them noticed she hadn’t been around in a while. They’d embarrass me, knowingly or not, by calling whichever girl was in our den by the name of the last one to be in there. I didn’t care; I was young and they were my relationships.

Now I have a teenage daughter, and she shares everything with both my wife and I. We know every little detail of their relationship, more than I’d care to know. But my wife is all in.

A Today’s teenagers are, in general, more open with their parents, for better or for worse. About their relationships, their sex lives, their drug and alcohol use, everything. It’s definitely different than the way you grew up, but it is what it is.

I suggest embracing it. If there are things you’d rather not know, perhaps knowing about her sex life is too much for your dad ears, tell her you’d rather she keeps that to discussions with her mother. You’re allowed to set boundaries.

FEEDBACK Regarding the dead bird (Aug. 28):

Reader: “I don’t think the man did anything wrong when he kicked the dead bird off the porch. How did it die? Maybe because of a disease that could affect humans as well. Better to not touch a dead animal with your bare hands.

“Yes, he could have left it there until he got something to pick it up with, but he got it off the porch first and made it somewhat safer; then when he had some paper so he didn’t have to touch it with his bare hands, he safely got rid of it.

“Yes, he could have left it on the porch until he got the paper for his hands, but I don’t see that he showed any disrespect for the bird. And he put it in the garbage. Wouldn’t most people do the same? Did his girlfriend expect a funeral?”

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Opinion articles are based on the author’s interpretations and judgments of facts, data and events. More details

Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send her relationship questions via email: lisi@thestar.ca