Never had great sex? You haven’t missed the boat - IOL

I recently met a woman who is in her sixties and recently divorced. She has only ever had sex with her ex-husband and is now terrified of being intimate with someone new. She even admitted that she has never had an orgasm. It’s not uncommon and it’s a special kind of panic. 

If you think you’re too inexperienced to be a good lover? Relax. Nobody gets a certificate for sexual competence, and having had more partners doesn’t necessarily make someone better in bed.

You may meet someone you really like. Things are heading in a decidedly horizontal direction. And instead of thinking, “Ooh, this could be fun,” your brain starts screaming:

What if they realise I have no idea what I’m doing?

What if they’ve had loads of lovers and I’m hopeless?

What if they expect me to know things I don’t know?

Apparently, quite a few people are asking themselves exactly these questions.

CNN recently reported on a growing number of people who describe themselves as “late bloomers” when it comes to sex and relationships. Some worry that their lack of sexual experience means they are somehow behind everyone else, and that an experienced partner will immediately discover their inadequacy between the sheets.

I have news for you, you haven't missed the boat. And even better: there probably wasn't a boat in the first place.

We have somehow turned sexual experience into a bizarre form of competitive achievement. The implication is that if you've had 20 lovers, you must be better at sex than someone who has had two. Sex isn't a driving test and there isn't a little badge you earn after sleeping with your 10th person that says: “Congratulations. You are now officially excellent in bed.”

According to sexual-health experts quoted by CNN, having lots of sexual experience does not automatically make someone a better lover. Justin Lehmiller of the Kinsey Institute points instead to communication and responsiveness. Psychologist Rachel Needle makes a similar point: every sexual relationship is different, and being willing to listen, adapt and learn can matter much more than a person's number of previous partners.

Your previous lover isn't your current lover and women very seldom have the confidence to tell their lover that they’re doing it wrong. The excuse from men is often “well my previous girlfriend didn’t complain.”  That my dear man is not a 5-star review. Men notoriously think they know everything because they watched some porn, had partners who didn’t complain and never ever ask for directions. 

The things that drove one person wild might leave another completely cold. The person who loved being spontaneous might have been replaced by someone who needs a little more time, reassurance and tenderness.

Bodies and desires differ. Boundaries differ and we don’t come with instruction manuals.

Research backs up the importance of talking.

A 2022 meta-analysis covering 93 studies and almost 38,500 people in relationships found positive associations between sexual communication and both relationship satisfaction and sexual satisfaction. Interestingly, the quality of sexual communication was more strongly associated with satisfaction than simply how often couples talked about sex.

Is considerably more useful than having an impressive sexual CV.

Personally, I think curiosity is one of the most underrated sexual qualities.

An inexperienced person who says, “Tell me what you like,” is potentially far more exciting than someone who assumes they already know everything.

The thing about people who believe they are experienced lovers: sometimes they stop listening. They arrive in bed with a repertoire and then they perform it. Never checking in to see if it’s working. 

The inexperienced lover may arrive with something much more valuable: an open mind.

Research into what has been termed “sexual need responsiveness” similarly highlights listening to and accommodating a partner's sexual needs and wishes while respecting safety and boundaries.

That sounds rather less sexy than it actually is. Being attentive and curious is sexy. Being able to laugh when something goes hilariously wrong is sexy.

Ask, “Was that good?” is sexy. More importantly being able to hear the answer without becoming defensive is very sexy.

Perhaps we should stop worrying so much about being sexually experienced and start worrying about being sexually present.

Some older couples report greater satisfaction than when they were younger, partly because they may have more privacy and fewer distractions and may be better able to express what they want and need. Ask any young man who has dated an older woman. 

We’ve been looking at sexual experience from the wrong end.

The question isn't: “How much sex have you had?”

It’s: “How willing are you to learn?”

You certainly don't have to lie about your sexual history to appear more experienced. You can simply say:

There is something wonderfully intimate about admitting that.

And for the person on the receiving end, it creates an opportunity to communicate rather than perform. We should be teaching people how to pay attention and listen. How to ask and not how to impress a partner. 

When it comes to sex, quantity isn't the same thing as quality. You haven't missed the boat or failed an imaginary sexual exam. 

You certainly aren't too old, or too inexperienced to learn how to have wonderful sex.