Advice: How to navigate relationships during times of massive change - Toronto Star
And Lisi advises a letter writer who is frustrated with her grouchy teenage daughter.
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send her relationship questions via email: lisi@thestar.ca
Q My 15-year-old has come home almost every day since school started again in a complete strop. She is grumpy, hangry, hungry, rude, tired, miserable, whiny — need I go on?!? I’m excited to see her, to ask about her day, her classes, her teachers, etc. and she gives me nothing!
How do I deal with this? It’s very uncomfortable, and I know I’m not helping her get out of her funk by asking questions. But I honestly don’t have a clue what to do. It’s as though she’s having a tantrum, teenage style.
A You are not alone. This behaviour is often referred to as the “after-school restraint collapse,” which describes how your child/teen just lets it all out after keeping it together all day at school. Remember, teenagers are going through a lot — puberty, hormonal changes, the way they sound, smell and look, friendship issues and add to that the drama of not being in a class with anyone they know, or having their locker at the end of the hall away from their friends, or being in a class with a teacher they don’t jive with, etc., etc.
It’s a LOT! And though it doesn’t feel this way, your daughter feels safe in your presence, which is why she can FINALLY let go of her big emotions. Some kids cry, some scream, some run the gamut, like your daughter. Since your daughter is no longer a toddler, this should subside after a few weeks of school, when she hits her stride and finds her routine. Her locker may still be at the end of the hall, but she’ll figure out how to go to her friend’s first, and then together, head to hers. Or even though she knows no one in her French class, she may get paired up with a nice person and make a new friend. It all just takes time to adjust.
Give your daughter some space when you first greet her. Maybe bring her favourite snack for the car ride, play her favourite songs, etc. Once you see the tension leave her shoulders, you can ask about her day. But if she’s not ready to answer, don’t push it. Keep calm, give her a hug, tell her you love her and continue singing. Let her decompress and then talk it through.
Q My boyfriend left for university a month ago and promised me that we would be OK with the change in our situation. I am still in high school, and he is now in another province. I believed him because we’ve been together for almost a year and we love each other.
But I’ve barely had the chance to speak to him since he left, and I keep seeing photos online of him out partying with his friends. I’m convinced that he’s going to break up with me any day now because the girls at his university are so pretty.
A Text your boyfriend and set up a specific day and time when you two can have an uninterrupted conversation. Start by telling him how you feel about him. Be confident and tell him that you know this makes you vulnerable, but you must live your truth. Then tell him how you’re feeling, your fears and concerns. Ask him to hear you out.
Then ask him to tell you how he is feeling. Listen carefully to the tone of his voice and to his words. If he’s dismissive of your concerns, flippant about his feelings, nonchalant about what you’re going through, he’s pulling away. Do NOT try to guilt him or pull him in. Let him go. You deserve someone who is all in.
Reader: “Point out that there was no issue when transitioning from one driver to two; and they knew (as maturing adults) that their little sister would one day want in.
“If they continue to behave like children, then treat them like children and take their car privileges away. Or they can behave like maturing adults and realize that life is full of compromises.
“If the older siblings cannot grow out of this issue, they’ll be in for some major surprises in life.”
Reader 2: “Your advice just destroyed the relationship between the older siblings and their parents. It happens all the time: the youngest got to have parties, sleepovers, first bike, and first car at an earlier age than us two older ones. This caused a problem that lasted until my mother died. What you’re suggesting just isn’t fair.”
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Opinion articles are based on the author’s interpretations and judgments of facts, data and events. More details
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send her relationship questions via email: lisi@thestar.ca
