8 Signs Your Partner Is Manipulating You (And What to Do about It) - VICE

The tricky thing about being manipulated is that it can feel like “love.” For example, they check where you are all day and get pouty when you make plans with friends. When you’re falling for someone, all that attention can feel flattering. 

Everyone pushes and pleads to get their way now and then. But according to a recent Psychology Today piece, manipulation begins when someone uses your emotions or vulnerabilities to override your ability to decide for yourself. Here are a few ways that can happen.

Your location is always on, and they still text to ask where you are or who you’re with. After a while, you start thinking about how they’ll react before you make plans or stay out longer than they expected.

Your best friend is suddenly a bad influence, and your sister, they insist, “always had something against them.” Before long, spending time with people you love always comes with an argument attached. Then you stop reaching out as much, and that gives the manipulative person even more control over whose opinions you hear. 

You come home from work after a stressful day, and somehow you’re the one apologizing for being in a bad mood. Or maybe you asked a question that rubbed them the wrong way or didn’t respond the “right” way. Walking on eggshells is not normal, and you’re allowed to have your own opinion. 

When things are going their way, they’re incredibly affectionate and sweet. If you disagree or set a boundary, though, that warmth is out the window, sometimes for days. Soon, you start learning which words give you the nice person, and you just start agreeing with everything they say to avoid the personality switch. 

An argument that started (and should have stayed) between the two of you now has recruits. Their mom wants to have a talk, their mutual friends want to chime in, and you’re defending yourself to people who weren’t even there. Not to mention using information from the person you’re in the actual fight with. 

If you turn down a favor, you’re labeled selfish or somehow broken as a person. Manipulators love to say things like “you never do anything for me” or “you only care about yourself,” and shame is a powerful emotion. If you’re someone who genuinely hates hurting people’s feelings, these accusations make it easier for you to give in. 

You remember the hurtful comment word for word, and they swear it never happened. All while looking you dead in the eye with a straight face. Now you’re opening your notes app or taking voice recordings so you have something to point to and prove you’re not going crazy. 

When you attempt to call out any of the above, watch the roles reverse in real time. Psychologist Jennifer Freyd named this move DARVO, short for deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender. “The offender is on the offense, and the person attempting to hold the offender accountable is put on the defense,” Freyd wrote. Research has found that people who witness a DARVO response end up believing the victim less and blaming them more.

If any of this feels familiar, start keeping track of what happens when you disagree or say no. Looking back at a few incidents together can make it easier to see whether you’re dealing with the occasional bad argument or the same behavior over and over.